A Lightning Round on the Word “No”
Anna Holmes’ new book celebrates putting your foot down
By Nona Willis Aronowitz
Do you have trouble saying “no”? Writer and Jezebel founder Anna Holmes gets it—but she’s not letting you off the hook. The Power of No: A Celebration is her new book, or “subtle manifesto” as she calls it, that makes the case for shaking your head and setting boundaries, even in a world that discourages it. Set up as a series of vignettes and quotes, The Power of No is so persuasive that, mid-reading, I finally sent a firm rejection to a dating-app match who had been annoying me for days. The relief was startling.
Here are some nuggets from Holmes about that potent little word.
On the OG masters of “no”:
Kids really know how to say “no.” In some cases, they need to be encouraged not to say it because you can’t just say “no” to everything and you have to do things you don’t want to do. But I envy the freedom that young kids have to say “nope,” before they start to question the consequences at around nine or ten years old. They know the word before they even start talking; babies know how to push things away and reject them.
On why knowing yourself helps you say “no”:
We are socialized as women to be accommodating and not say “no,” and because of that, we don’t always know how to assert what it is we do want. The more I understand about what I want, the easier it is for me to know how to say “no.” I hope the book inspires people to take a beat and say, “Before I say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to something, I have to ask myself what I really want as opposed to trying to fill up dead air or assuage my anxiety about how to respond.”
On Gen Z, the “no” generation:
Listen, if I had had access in my twenties to a bunch of women talking on TikTok about the red flags to look out for with guys, or how they were not going to have sex for a year, it might have felt really revolutionary. Perhaps the younger generation is too cautious, but maybe the flip side is that they’re more empowered to say “no.” Often when I see younger people on social media talking about things like relationships and sex and how they navigate the workplace, I’m like, “I fucking wish I knew that when I was 24.”
Favorite form of “no”:
Maya Angelou’s “We’re not going to have that opportunity today.” I like it because it’s polite, it’s firm, it can’t be argued with and she uses “we,” which implicates the question-asker and is very clever.
Bravest personal “no”:
My “no” to bad treatment from a boss from many years ago who was an underminer and a gaslighter.
Ghosting: Yes or no?
I am all for ghosting if it is directed towards someone who 1) won’t take “no” for an answer or won’t hear your “no” or 2) towards someone to whom saying “no” might create emotional and physical danger for the recipient. Oh also, I am for ghosting if the person doing the asking has treated you badly.